Hot Under The Collar - Decorative Towels

There have been countless times where I have washed my hands and face (ok, maybe just a few times) and while dripping wet with squinty eyes and floppy wrists, I've reached over beside the sink, grabbed the towel on the rack, and then it happens. A decorative bow rips into your hand flesh. Or a small fake pearl makes an indentation on your forehead. And who can forget that sensation of lacy embroidery raking across your face? And then, as you walk from the bathroom still damp and noticeably chaffed, the host of the house proceeds to scorn you for using the decorative towels. For using the what!?

That's right, ladies and gentlemen, the first edition of Hot Under The Collar will feature my hatred for the infamous decorative towel. Talk about taking the function right out of the form. I'd really like to find the estrogen-filled think tank that came up with this one. At what point during the meeting did the homosexual turn to the woman and say, "Let's make a towel, but it won't actually be a towel. We'll cover it with lace, pearls, ribbon, glitter, and maybe even embroider our names or initials on them. And even though its not for drying off, and even though we will harass any guest that uses it like a towel, we'll still hang it right next to the tub, sink, or shower."

And where should this decorative towel hang, you may ask. Well, right on the towel rack, of course. A device conceived, manufactured, and installed to serve one purpose and one purpose alone; to hold the cloth tool we call the towel. So, naturally, we should hang something on the towel rack that we do not consider to be an actual towel. Doesn't it become a "wall hanging rack" at that time, or what!? And the real kicker, as stated above, is that the female or homosexual host then has the audacity to get frustrated when someone uses the decorative towel AS A FUCKING TOWEL!!! Well, excuse me. How silly of me to assume this sheet of cotton linen hanging next to the sink on the towel rack isn’t a towel used for drying my hands and face.

I mean, could you imagine if straight men did this?

Bob: "Well, hello there neighbor."
Neighbor: "Hey, Bob. My fence needs mending. Mind if I borrow your hammer and fix 'er up?"
Bob: "Not at all. Hammer is right over there on the tool rack."
Neighbor: "Ah, here we are. I'll just grab this here hammer and..."
Bob: "Um, excuse me neighbor. Just what in the Hell do you think you're doing?"
Neighbor: "Just grabbing the device that looks like a hammer over here on the tool rack, just like you said."
Bob: "I said grab the hammer, not the decorative hammer. My initials are clearly embroidered on the handle, there. Didn't you notice the lace on the nail claw?”
Neighbor: "Fuck off, Bob."

There, I hope that little analogy displayed the absurdity of using any functional tool as a piece of decor, especially decorative towels. And that, folks, is what makes me Hot Under the Collar this week.